I say “dread” first and foremost because what this knot of emotions and internal messaging is telling is that I’m not good enough. Something needs to change. Something’s not right. Something about me is wrong. There’s something I could and should do differently that would resolve this conflict inside me and lead me to a peaceful, meaningful life.
It follows me around everywhere I go. Sometimes at a roar. Sometimes at a whisper.
But this week, I noticed something. I was on vacation without a care in the world. I was with people I love. I didn’t need to work, or be productive in any way. I had no plans, nothing on my to-do list. I was free to do what I wanted. I could sit in the sun all day to my heart’s desire.
And that sense of tension in me was still there, gnawing at me. I had no tangible reason to feel unsettled, yet that feeling was still there, telling me that I need to do or be something different, that I wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t seem to get to a sense of peace even though there was nothing tangible that needed to be resolved. I spent much of the days in conflict with myself.
I started realizing that this knot inside me exists beyond any and all of the realities of the world around me. It’s not actually telling me anything about who I am now versus who I could or should be. Rather, it is a fixed disposition I’ve taken on regardless of what’s going on around me. Even if I accomplish my wildest dreams, this knot in me would find another hill to climb, another reason why I’m not good enough, another reason to feel unsettled, not at peace.
This tension inside me is not a product of my wants and needs. It is their cause, the thing that fuels them and gives them life.
I will never resolve this sense of dread by accomplishing anything in the external world. I can only resolve it by reckoning within myself, by consciously rewriting the rules I’ve taken on unconsciously.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]
- White folks: We are all the problem. It’s not just the overt racists. It’s not just the cops. It’s not just the president. Racism lives inside us all. It is the air we breathe and the water we swim in. Read More »
- There is no objective definition of humanity. There is no objective time when humanity began. These are all stories we created for ourselves to help make sense of our world. Read More »
- 155 businesses, representing five million employees and a combined market capitalization of over $2 trillion USD, are urging governments around the world to develop economic recovery policies responding to COVID-19 that also advance climate goals over the short- and long-terms. Read More »
- Earlier this month, social media giant Twitter announced a new policy counteracting unchecked misinformation and harmful content on its platform. This week, it begun implementing its new policy on the highest stage possible - warning users against President Trump's reckless and unsubstantiated claims. Read More »